For Men Who Have Difficulty Ejaculating During Sex

Delayed Ejaculation Causes And Treatment

Introduction to Delayed Ejaculation

Difficulty in ejaculating goes against everything that we expect from male sexuality, which features in popular culture in two major ways: the idea that men are always “up for sex”, and the belief that most men are unable to slow their ejaculation during intercourse (which is why so many men ejaculate prematurely).

No wonder then, that a man with delayed ejaculation, who may not be able to come at all, should feel puzzled and anxious about what is going on during sex.

So, if this man is you, have a look at the video just below before you do anything else!

Next, have a look at the treatment program - see the menu at the top of this page and click on “GET HELP HERE”. You can see this link on all the pages of this site, so feel free to explore the site first if you wish.

Delayed ejaculation

It’s no surprise that female partners of men with delayed ejaculation (also called anorgasmia) often feel distressed. A woman is probably not sexually fulfilled, and may also think her man doesn’t find her attractive enough to reach climax during intercourse.

Wow! What a blow for a woman….

And, needless to say, when a couple wish to conceive, the man’s inability to ejaculate is a problem on many levels, psychological, physical and emotional.

One of the other peculiar things about delayed ejaculation, or male orgasmic disorder, is that couples will often tolerate this condition within a relationship for years, if not decades, before treatment is initiated.

The precipitating factor is often the tension within the relationship generated by the man’s inability to reach orgasm and ejaculate during intercourse or the woman’s desire to have a child.

There hasn’t been a great deal of research conducted on delayed ejaculation because the problem is both the least well-known of the male sexual dysfunctions, and has previously been regarded as comparatively uncommon.

My own research suggests that up to 10% of men in the population at large may be experiencing difficulty with delayed ejaculation at any one time, and the reason this figure has not been understood until now is probably because of the shame associated with the condition.

One of the difficulties in understanding anorgasmia is that both neurobiological and psychological factors could clearly be responsible for causing it.

In addition, we know very little about why men have such dramatically different ejaculatory latency times anyway – if we knew more about this, we would be well on the way to understanding the converse of delayed ejaculation - the all-too-common-condition of premature ejaculation.

Just What IS Delayed Ejaculation?

Of course we all know that erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation have received huge amounts of attention in recent years.

For example, premature ejaculation is a condition which has pretty much come out of the closet, and about which discussions are now almost socially acceptable.

So it’s an interesting fact that delayed ejaculation is still comparatively unobserved and poorly understood. And it’s certainly not talked about.

This might be partly because people believe the condition is uncommon (which, as I’ve already suggested, is far from true), but it may also be based on the belief that the condition is regarded as difficult to treat.

However, when treatment approaches are tailored to the man concerned, success is almost guaranteed.

So let’s start with the definition of delayed ejaculation, also known as retarded ejaculation, inhibited orgasm,  anorgasmia, ejaculatory incompetence, and so on.

Essentially delayed ejaculation is simply a long delay in reaching orgasm, or the complete inability to reach orgasm, after normal sexual excitement and sexual activity that would be expected to produce orgasm.

Now of course not all men require the same level of stimulation to reach orgasm: but this definition, although vague, does not cause too many problems.

Any man who can sustain vigorous thrusting during intercourse for 30 minutes without approaching the point of orgasm, or indeed even if he does approach the point of ejaculatory inevitability but does not ejaculate, can be said to have delayed ejaculation.

Like PE, those who have it, know it.

More Videos About Delayed Ejaculation

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How to control premature ejaculation

So essentially delayed ejaculation is a long delay in reaching orgasm, or the complete inability to reach orgasm, after normal sexual excitement and sexual activity that would be expected to produce orgasm.

Men who have DE do have some sexual desire and can experience erection, but they cannot reach orgasm during intercourse.

This might be because they have some kind of emotional inhibition which is caused by fears around loss of control, or that they feel hostile or anger towards their partner, or that they have developed and reliance on paraphilic stimuli.

Other therapists believe that the origins of delayed ejaculation lie in idiosyncratic masturbation techniques during teenage years.

These seem to condition the penis and the sexual reflexes within the nervous system so they only respond to hard and vigorous stimulation of a kind which cannot be achieved during sexual intercourse.

In addition, the therapist Bernard Apfelbaum has come up with an intriguing and provocative theory which suggests that men with delayed ejaculation are in fact not really sexually aroused.

He believes that the autonomic functioning of his sexual reflexes leads to hard and long lasting erections with which he attempts to please his partner.

Treatment of Delayed Ejaculation

In view of the large number of causes, it’s not surprising there are several treatment approaches to delayed ejaculation.

That’s also why the same approach may not be appropriate in every case.

So, for example, it’s not always necessary to explore a man’s early sexual experiences, or his beliefs around human sexuality.

But you may need to explore the historical origins of shame and guilt around sexuality, or your ability (or lack thereof) to communicate with your partner on sexual issues – often in the area of feelings, wishes and expectations around sex.

Often a man is unable to say “no” to his partner’s sexual (and other) demands and feels resentful while engaging in sexual intercourse. He feels a compulsion to please his partner even at the expense of his own wishes and desires.

As of now there are no drugs which can be used to treat delayed ejaculation, and it’s extremely unlikely that there will be any developed in the near future.

Happily, a skilful combination of sex therapy, psychotherapy and behavioral therapy can usually produce dramatic improvements in the vast majority of cases.

That’s the basis of the treatment program on this website, which appears to be successful for around 96% of the men who really are committed to using the techniques described.

What Are The Main Features Of Delayed Ejaculation?

Well, first of all, it’s involuntary. That’s to say the man isn’t holding back his orgasm consciously.

He may have delayed ejaculation from the very first airings of his sexual interest, in which case it is called primary DE, or he may find that it develops in later years after some initial sexual experience, in which case it’s called acquired or secondary delayed ejaculation or DE.

More interestingly, the difficulty that a man has with ejaculation may occur in every sexual situation, or it can be situational, in other words occurring only with particular partners or in particular situations.

Some men who have delayed ejaculation will find that they can masturbate normally while others cannot; some men will find they have nocturnal emissions while others do not.

But basically the thing that unites all men with this condition is that the flow of erotic energy from sexual desire through sexual excitement and on to the final stage of orgasm is somehow inhibited or blocked.

There’s no question the most common form of delayed ejaculation is the inability to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse.

Often a man can reach orgasm during masturbation or even by manual and perhaps oral stimulation from his sexual partner, but he’s unable to do so during intercourse.

Men can function anywhere on a sexual spectrum covering the whole range of ability around reaching orgasm, from being able to climax during masturbation to a complete inability to achieve climax even after vigorous and prolonged thrusting during intercourse.

In most cases, sexual desire is normal and a man’s ability to have an erection is quite normal.

It’s also important to understand that delayed ejaculation isn’t helpful to a couple’s relationship: there is an assumption in certain quarters that prolonged thrusting can bring women to orgasm through vaginal stimulation.

While this may well be true, the fact is that the majority of couples where the man has difficulty ejaculating are marked by tension and stress, low self-esteem on the part of the man and woman.

Another problem is soreness and irritation of the genitals that develop due to prolonged intercourse which ceases to be pleasurable.

And even those it occasions where a man can reaches climax inside his partner can be less than satisfactory because of the struggle he may have to achieve that outcome.

Indeed, it is probably true to say that most men with this particular sexual dysfunction regard sex as hard work, and not as a very enlightening or satisfying experience.

Often boredom or the failure of erection or the loss of lubrication on the part of the female partner is the signal for the end of intercourse.

Things are complicated when the woman feel some kind of responsibility for the fact that the man can’t reach the normal climax of sexual activity.

Her feelings of guilt, shame or anger will be even more pronounced if the man isn’t able to reach orgasm in any way with her, only being able to bring himself off through masturbation when he is alone.

Such orgasmic inhibition can cause extreme sexual difficulties and place an enormous burden on any relationship.

No surprise, therefore, that many men with delayed ejaculation feel very unhappy, particularly when it’s a long-standing problem.

Often men with DE engage in sex just because their partner wishes them to, or to reassure themselves that they actually are masculine and sexually competent.

And men with delayed ejaculation may fake orgasm, or experience erectile dysfunction, loss of desire or an aversion to sex. The body always has a story to tell, yes?

How Common Is Delayed Ejaculation?

There is very little data to tell us how common it is. Researchers have suggested that between three and 8% of men have some form of DE: my own work on the Internet and with men in person suggests that the figure is much higher: I put it at around 10 or 12%.

How Easy Is It To Treat Delayed Ejaculation?

In therapeutic practice, it is often found that men with delayed ejaculation actually vary considerably in the ease with which they can overcome the problem.

Some therapists report that younger men who have an inability to ejaculate are the easiest to help, most likely because they actually have less established patterns of sexual behavior and seek treatment earlier than the majority of men.

It’s important to note that any therapist who is working with men with delayed ejaculation needs to understand the defining factors around a man’s difficulty in reaching climax.

For example, it may be that the problem only occurs in the presence of a particular sexual partner, and the man is able to ejaculate normally when he masturbates on his own, or it may be that he can ejaculate on his partner outside the vagina, but that he is unable to ejaculate internally.

Another indicator of the reasons why delayed ejaculation has developed is whether a man gets wet dreams (nocturnal emissions). Clearly, the presence of nocturnal emissions in a man who can’t ejaculate when he’s with a partner suggests some kind of emotional inhibition during sexual intercourse.

A key factor is whether or not a man is using any medication which might be responsible for interfering with his orgasm and ejaculation.

Another variation, which is seen less frequently, but does occur from time to time, is a dry orgasm, in which orgasm occurs without ejaculation.

This implies that seminal emission component of the ejaculatory reflex is missing, which may be induced by drugs or some kind of neurological problem, unless there is evidence of retrograde ejaculation in the form of cloudy urine being passed after orgasm.

What Is Delayed Ejaculation? A Simple Summary…

When you have no choice but to take your time…. 

Delayed ejaculation (DE) and the now very infrequently used expression “retarded ejaculation” (RE) are terms used when a man has problems ejaculating during sex.

Very often, a man who has difficulty ejaculating while making love can do so during solo or mutual masturbation.

But when this particular ejaculatory dysfunction prevents the release of semen inside his partner while making love, it can be a source of great distress and anxiety and, even worse, it can cause a low sexual self-esteem and decreased confidence, as well as damaging a man’s relationship with his partner.

So any kind of cure that lets a man “release” normally during intercourse is going to be of great value to many people, men and women alike.

How Often Does Delayed Ejaculation (DE) Happen?

Well, I think it’s actually a great deal more common than people have thought.

From my work with men who have sexual problems, I estimate about 1 man in 12 is experiencing some kind of delayed ejaculation (also known as anejaculation) or ejaculatory difficulty, at any time. But DE is nowhere near as common as premature ejaculation, the frequency of which in the average population is between 50% and 75% of sexually active men.

Fortunately the treatment methods used by sex therapists - which can be adapted for use at home, in privacy - seem to help the majority of men with any level of delayed ejaculation. So the good news is, this problem can be treated successfully, using self-help methods, at home and in complete privacy.

When a couple work on this problem together, not only can this be a cure for delayed ejaculation, but it can also bring them closer together because open and honest communication about what’s going on can increase intimacy and a sense of closeness.

Interestingly enough, the most important factor in achieving a cure seems to be a man’s intention and commitment to achieve normal sexual function.

And although the medical profession are rather downbeat about the likelihood of success of treatment for retarded ejaculation, in my opinion, that’s because they’re using the wrong treatment methods.

Another myth is that not many people understand delayed ejaculation. That’s not true: there is a lot of medical literature on this sexual dysfunction, although the condition’s not very well known amongst the general population, and, it would appear, among sex therapists as well.

A Video Which Helps Explain The Condition

Psychological Factors Behind Delayed Ejaculation

I believe that DE is often caused by a combination of psychological factors, such as lack of sexual confidence, or guilt or shame around sex, or a low level of arousal before and during sex with a partner, and even suppressed anger and resentment about the relationship.

Another common issue seems to be an upbringing which was extremely repressive, both around sex and general self-development terms for the man concerned. Religious, sexual, and emotional repression all play their part in the family dynamics which affet a man later in life.

Often men brought up in this kind of environment develop an extremely controlling personality, which manifests during sex as a desire to maintain a very rigid framework around sexual interaction with a partner.

For example, a man may have a very particular method of becoming aroused, display a very ordered and structured approach to sexual interaction, leaving little room for spontaneity and play, and he may also rely on fantasies which are strictly controlled to achieve some degree of arousal.

Some think that delayed ejaculation can also be caused by fear of getting a partner pregnant, by shame and disgust around sex which manifests as vaginal aversion, sexual taboos from childhood, and anger or hatred towards women, whether this is conscious or not.

And of course any or all of these factors may play a role in DE, but the common factors that I see in almost every case of ejaculatory difficulty are (1) a low level of arousal, and/or (2) a history of so-called “idiosyncratic masturbation”.

In essence, what this means is that a man has trained his body to respond to extraordinarily high levels of stimulation through harsh masturbation as a teenager. The result of that is that the stimulation provided during intercourse is nowhere near sufficient to bring him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

In fact, often these men can only achieve orgasm through masturbation in a particular fashion when they are on their own – even their partner cannot bring them to orgasm during manual or oral stimulation.

The idea that men with DE are in fact not very aroused may seem peculiar, particularly to the partner of man with this dysfunction, because men with delayed ejaculation are generally capable of very long-lasting intercourse with a hard erection which persists for an extraordinarily long time.

However, Bernard Althof, who has studied this condition for years, suggests that the erection is merely the product of a physiological response, and does not signify a high level of sexual arousal.

Indeed, men who experience retarded ejaculation often seem to have a kind of “autosexual” orientation; they might actually prefer sex with themselves to sex with a partner. And, as a man, that’s something you’re never going to admit to a partner, now is it?

I think it’s a combination of extreme determination to control the progress of sex, which distances the man from his partner, together with the fact that most men with delayed ejaculation are extremely motivated to please their partner, while at the same time often being resentful that the “work” of sex seems to fall onto them, that produces a sense of emotional distance from the partner - and that reduces intimacy, and further contributes to a low level of arousal.

Without arousal high enough to take a man past the “point of no-return”, ejaculation will never happen.

Together with the fact that men are so disconnected from their partner, and often from their own bodies as well, you can see how sex can become a slightly impersonal experience. In fact, sex can become an experience in which the physical interaction with the sexual partner, and the man’s awareness of the sensations in his own body (which is needed to achieve a high level of arousal), take second place to a mechanical process of thrusting and a belief that successful sex depends on good technique rather than intimate connection.

The really important thing here is that men with ejaculatory dysfunction of this kind often experience a delay in ejaculating (if indeed they can ejaculate at all) of up to 45 minutes, compared with an average time of  6 to 9 minutes in the population as a whole.

Common Psychological Causes Of Anejaculation (A Medical Term For Delayed Ejaculation)

To summarize the more common psychological factors I’ve observed in my work with men who have delayed ejaculation, they are:

  • A repressive upbringing, particularly religious upbringing, which regarded sex as sinful and leaves a man imbued with shame or guilt around his sexual impulses
  • Physical masturbation techniques in adolescence which mean a man masturbates in an idiosyncratic way, often by thrusting his penis against the mattress in bed
  • Anger, resentment or even hatred towards the partner

However, do please remember that delayed ejaculation can also be the product of certain medications and prescription drugs, together with recreational drugs and excess consumption of alcohol. Neurological problems such as stroke or spinal cord damage can also be responsible for this condition.

Last updated: February 24 2014  02/24/2014